Children first begin to develop autonomy in their toddler years between 18 months to 3 years.  We can all remember a time when our child was young and likely asserted their independence by screaming “I DO IT!” My very own daughter’s first fully formed sentence was, “No, I do it myself!”

That same need for independence of thought or action, or autonomy, emerges as our kids enter their teen years.  This time it is usually different, showing up as a feeling, behaving and thinking independently, sometimes still accompanied with yelling.  This makes sense, because during adolescence our teenagers are beginning to develop their own identity, displaying a need for self-governance and choice, and separating from us as parents.  

Autonomy is an essential and critical skill for our teenagers to develop to become functioning adults.  So how can we help this blossom, while still saving our sanity and keeping our children safe?

Communication is key to this stage. Establish a foundation of trust and open communication with your teen.  Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.  One mistake parents will make as teens begin to assert their own ideas is that they feel rejection when their teen expresses ideas that don’t align with your own.  Remember it’s normal development for your teen to test out alternate ideas, and it’s not an attack on you.  

If communication becomes fraught, take a moment to collect your thoughts and come back to discuss with your teen.  Not only will you be modeling good communication, but you’ll likely avoid an argument.  Teens want to be heard more than they want to be right, says Dina Divecha, a PhD who writes about developmental science. “It turns out, teens are super sensitive to how adults react to their growing autonomy.  When teens feel over controlled or coerced it can trigger “autonomy threat” which shuts down a teens’ willingness to collaborate or engage,” Divecha writes.